ohai

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
ralfmaximus
lizardsfromspace

"Hi y'all, it's Chronomaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, here with another taste test. I'm here in 1976, and I'm gonna get some fries from Mickey D's before they changed the recipe, and then I'm gonna take 'em back to 2022, and get fries from the same McDonald's, so I can compare. Now, I've got my Nixon, uh, Ford? Carter? Era fries right here, so now I'm gonna"

*everything appears stretched and distant, and then the camera flies through space, through the sun, over millions of different Earths, past the faces of individual people in a thousand different timelines, splintered day by day, the long-dead alive once more, their varied futures lying before them. They appear to be screaming*

"annnnnd here we are, gettin' the new fries, today. I have to say, I like the old fries a bit better, bit more crisp, but Mickey D's fries are still Mickey D's fries, y'know? Anyway, I know some of you guys were freaked out at all the screaming time faces last video, but like, I'm used to 'em, and they aren't even audible to me? But y'know what is audible? That's right - Audible, use code -"

lizardsfromspace

"Hi y'all, it’s Chronomaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, here to respond to some allegations."

"Lots of you are saying, Chronomaster42, why don't you stop World War II? And I keep saying that I can't change history. History's got, like, antibodies, and these haters eject me back to my time if I do anything that'll change anything. Like the space time con...tainium doesn't want me traveling around time."

"And before you start bringing up that guy who erased...France? The fuck is France? From ever existing, that wasn't me, you guys. Get your facts straight. That was @true_chronomaster, the only TikToker with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space. i have nothing to do with the Evil Leaper Challenge. I don't have a shadow self. But y'know what I do have? Some words from our sponsor, Raid: Shadow Legends -"

lizardsfromspace

"Hi y'all, it's Chronomaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, and today I'm gonna be doing the challenge Gamer_Springtrap2011 gave me, where I'm travelin' back in time to finally figure out which religion is true, and then I'm gonna make a tier list so we can put all this drama about which religion's the right one behind us and just settle on one of 'em that's the best. Like, finally, you know?"

"But before we go back in time to see if Adam and Eve was real, we've gotta check in with our sponsor, Adam and Eve, discreet packaging and shipping -"

lizardsfromspace

"Hi y'all, it's Chronomaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, still sorry to every world religion, though like, you should really be mad at Gamer_Springtrap2011 for trolling me so hard. I got trolled guys. I'm sorry for my video 'CHALLENGE: I get this guy sitting under a tree in India to break his concentration'. I'm sorry for my video 'WHOA: I told a Roman cop where a guy was and got THIRTY SILVER COINS?!?!?' and shout out to Judas for catching my strays. Like, guys, I'm sorry. You should be mad at Gamer_Springtrap2011 though."

"Anyways, I've got this cool new money-making opportunity in the past. So like, what if we take things from the past, and sell them now? I found this guy with all this metal in his house, and it turns out nowadays they'll pay a lot for it 'cause normally you can only get copper from people stealing wire to pay for meth, but this is really good, honest copper. But like, I've gotta preserve history and shit, so I've been taking his copper and replacin' it with painted rocks. I think people are realizing 'cause every time I go to his house the copper guy's real mad and carrying stone tablets, it's funny. That Earnie Sir guy may be selling bad metal, but if you want real metal to hang on your walls, check out our sponsor Displate -"

lizardsfromspace

"Hi y'all, it's TimeController73, the one EbaumsTuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, and I uh, think I might have messed up the continuum a bit. I'm gonna take some time to fix it, but you know who will have the movie you want to stream right now? Today's sponsor, Blockbuster+..."

lizardsfromspace

"Hello y'all, it's ChronoMaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, and we've gotta talk about something important. Earlier this month I asked to ride that submersible down to the Titanic. They said no 'cause I didn't have enough money. So, like, I thought, man, you can control time and space! Go back to the real thing."

"But thing is, I got back there, right, and I was hopin' I could push Leo back on that raft 'cause the two of them could totally fit, CinemaSins had the real shit on that, but get this: he wasn't even there? Like, the two of them aren't even real? I looked all over the Titanic for 'em and I ended up falling from the ship when it broke in half so I made a portal under me, and it's kind of scary that I could have died on the Titanic and not been able to make content anymore. If I died in 1912 and didn't have new videos the algorithm would deprioritize me, y'know? It's so scary to think about. And like, I know I said the screaming faces of everyone's potential futures didn't get to me but man, they kinda get to you when there's also a lot of people screaming in the water."

"When I got back to 2023 I had two boxes on my doorstep. One was unmarked and just had a note in it saying 'THEY ARE COMING. THE RECKONING IS NEAR. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE, AND THE ANTIBODIES GROW. YES, THEY DO GROW, AND THEY HUNGER.' And I'm kinda hungry too, 'cause I didn't eat on the Titanic, so it's good that the other was my first meal kit from today's sponsor, Hello Fresh..."

lizardsfromspace

“Hi, y’all, it’s ChronoMaster42, the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space, and I’ve got some exciting news. I’m gonna be collabing with Mr. Beast on a new challenge video where we, like, go back in time and try to survive for seven days. It’s gonna be cool as hell. We wanted to go back to Imperial China, but Mr. Beast said he was afraid we might not be respectful enough to the Emperor and thus would commit 大不敬, one of the Ten Abominations, and due to our non-noble status, we wouldn’t be able to rely on the “八議” or ‘Eight Deliberations’. Which, like, fair ‘nough. So we settled on our backup plan, which is a lot safer: France in 1916! Man, I can’t wait to see the Eiffel Tower before it got all old stuff and like, we’re gonna see it! Stay tuned, guys!”

A fake thumbnail of Mr. Beast pointing at a trench in World War I; the text says "7 Days on the Western Front (featuring ChronoMaster42!"ALT
lizardsfromspace

A video with a black thumbnail. Title: "I'm sorry". The runtime is four and a half hours.ALT

*deep breath*

“Hello, you all. It’s ChronoMaster42, and normally I’m the only Youtuber with the ability to travel through, and control, time and space. But today...I’m the only Youtuber who’s sorry they got Mr. Beast exploded.”

“I am. I know everyone’s canceling me, they’re canceling everyone just cause – it was his idea to go back to the Western Front anyway, and…”

*sigh*

“I’m sorry. I understand how upset you all are at the exploding of Mr. Beast. I want to apologize to the internet and to the whole Chrono crew, ‘cause I know I, uh, *stares into the camera* have changed a lot as a human being, and I’m disappointed in myself more than I’m disappointed in...myself, for going too far? Man, I don’t know what I can do to make it right.”

“I’ve been reflecting. I mean. Reflecting and I’m sorry and like, I understand. I’ll never explode Mr. Beast again. Though...he’s kinda already exploded...and I…don’t think I can re-explode him...”

“*deep breath*”

“I’m sorry for my actions, and I want to move on from this and make videos in the future, with my sponsor...with my sponsor...with my...*furious clicking*...I...don’t have a sponsor. I’ve...I’ve been demonetized! No! No, no, no...let me appeal. Let me appeal…”

“*click*”

A cloud appears behind ChronoMaster42, a swirling vortex through which one can see flashes of times from across all of history, across many timelines; it advances on him.

“What – uh, antibodies, you’re not, like, supposed to be in the present! ‘cause it’s not fixed and shit, and -!”

The cloud envelops ChronoMaster42, who screams, a trail of faces screaming into infinity within the cloud as he, and the antibody, vanish. Stream runs for over four hours with a shot of his empty room, until it’s turned off by a sudden power failure.

siphersaysstuff

Look, all that matters is Mr. Beast exploded

image
theothin
katy-l-wood

A BEAR ATE MY BEST HUMMINGBIRD FEEDER.

Rude.

gallusrostromegalus

Someone tell that bear he's not supposed to eat that with the skin on.

meanderingorange

I live in South Africa. And if you live in South Africa and you have any contact with people from the US or Canada you might have run into a question about wildlife like lions and elephants roaming our streets. Most South Africans get pretty offended by questions like this. We are a civilized country, our large and dangerous wildlife gets contained in properly fenced parks. 

I use to get offended by this until I visited a few places in Canada and realized that the reason why you ask is that some of your large and dangerous wildlife does simply roam the countryside and sometimes make excursions into town.

This honestly blew my mind. What do you mean, you have bears just walking around? What the hell? 

roach-works

image
image
image
image
image
image

north americans don't all encounter deadly megafauna on our porches and front lawns but it happens often enough that we all think this is a reasonable amount of gigantic animal to happen to your house. so when we think of africa we kinda imagine it like this:

image

like. if we had elephants here. this is what we would be putting up with on the regular. what do you mean you guys are more sensible than us.

brightlotusmoon

Few weeks ago there was a black bear casually roaming the suburbs with local news casually reporting on it, while surrounding cities were like "Hang on, there's bears that close to DC?" Bear was caught and relocated. Casually.

baronfulmen

The ones that really freak me out isn’t listed above: alligators and crocodiles.

image
image
image
image

There’s tons of them along significant stretches of the US and they just kinda... wander around sometimes.  And I mean, what are you going to do to stop them?  Put up a fence?

image

Good luck!

they are absolutely more sensible than us white western supremacy strikes again
quasarkisses
c-is-for-circinate

There are a lot of abuse and recovery stories out there in fandom.  A lot of them are written by people who’ve never been in an abusive relationship.  That’s fine, that certainly doesn’t mean you can't write it, especially when it’s present in canon.  Unfortunately, it does mean that a lot of people get it wrong.

The usual abuse narrative you see in fandom is a story about absence.  The lack of safety.  The lack of freedom.  The lack of love, or of hope, or of trust.  They try to characterize the life of an abused kid, or an abused partner, based on what’s missing.  They characterize recovery based on getting things back: finding safety, discovering freedom, and slowly regaining the ability to trust–other people, the security of the world, themselves.

That doesn’t work.  That is not how it works.

Lives cannot be characterized by negative space.  This is a statement about writing.  It’s also a statement about life.

You can’t write about somebody by describing what isn’t there.  Or you can, but you’ll get a strange, inverted, abstracted picture of a life, with none of the right detail.  A silhouette.  The gaps are real but they're not the point.

If you’re writing a story, you need to make it about the things that are there.  Don’t try to tell me about the absence of safety.  Safety is relative.  There are moments of more or less safety all throughout your character’s day.  Absolute safety doesn’t exist in anyone’s life, abusive situation or not.

If you are trying to tell me a story about not feeling safe, then the question you need to be thinking about is, when safety is gone, what grows in the space it left behind?

Don’t try to tell me a story about a life characterized by the lack of safety.  Tell me a story about a life defined by the presence of fear.

What's there in somebody’s life when their safety, their freedom, their hope and trust are all gone?  It’s not just gaps waiting to be filled when everything comes out right in the end.  It’s not just a void.

The absence of safety is the presence of fear.  The absence of freedom is the presence of rules, the constant litany of must do this and don’t do that and a very very complicated kind of math beneath every single decision.  The lack of love feels like self-loathing.  The lack of trust translates as learning skills and strategies and skepticism, how to get what you need because you can’t be sure it’ll be there otherwise.

You don’t draw the lack of hope by telling me how your character rarely dares to dream about having better.  You draw it by telling me all the ways your character is up to their neck in what it takes to survive this life, this now, by telling me all the plans they do have and never once in any of them mentioning the idea of getting out.


This is of major importance when it comes to aftermath stories, too.  Your character isn’t a hollow shell to be filled with trust and affection and security.  Your character is full.  They are brimming over with coping mechanisms and certainties about the world.  They are packed with strategies and quickfire risk-reward assessments, and depending on the person it may look more calculated or more instinctual, but it’s there.  It’s always there.  You’re not filling holes or teaching your teenage/adult character basic facts of life like they’re a child.  You’re taking a human being out of one culture and trying to immerse them in another.


People who are abused make choices.  In a world where the ‘wrong’ choice means pain and injury, they make a damn career out of figuring out and trying to make the right choice, again and again and again.  People who are abused have a framework for the world, they are not utterly baffled by everyone else, they make assumptions and fit observations together in a way that corresponds with the world they know.

They’re not little lost children.  They’re not empty.  They’re human beings trying to live in a way that’s as natural for them as life is for anybody, and if you’re going to write abuse/recovery, you need to know that in your bones.

Don’t tell me about gaps.  Tell me about what’s there instead.

gay-cripply-scientist
brittlebodies

image

Ian Stone, Doubting Thomas, oil on linen, 12x16 in, 2023

"If you know the painting by Caravaggio, Doubting Thomas, it was my direct inspiration for this piece.

A doubting Thomas is a skeptic who refuses to believe without direct personal experience. 50-60 years ago, it was not uncommon for people to think or believe that being gay was a phase or a mental illness or deviance in some shape or form. It's embarrassing that the same things are being said about trans people today."

fishofthewoods

STOP SCROLLING!!! THIS IS NOT A PHOTO IT'S OIL ON LINEN!!!!!!!!!

snazzy-hats-and-adhd
shinsouisprecious

image
fixyourwritinghabits

I cannot stress this enough, write it poorly. Write the shittiest draft you possibly can, stick 'ah fuck something happens here and now they're fighting' to get over

Write the worst fucking version you possibly can and stick it in a folder and forget it for a month or two before you look at it again. You know what you have now?

A first draft. And with enough time to think some new thoughts about it, you'll soon end up with a better, second draft! And eventually, you'll end up with something you'd be perfectly okay with letting other people read!

You'll never believe this process works no matter how many times you do it, but it totally does. You just have to drag your brain kicking and screaming to that blank page and get the bones down first.

Write the shit out of that shit.